In The Absence of Solace
by Jameson Rook
Summary: "Oh God...Kate...Kate had seen him like that. He had tried his damndest to make sure that she never saw his inner demons, but she had walked into the apartment and seen him collapsing into a psychotic breakdown." Spoilers for "Shadows". Rated for language.


_**Disclaimer: Perception and all of its characters belong to Kenneth Biller, Mike Sussman, and TNT. **_

_** So, this is my first crack at writing a Perception fic, so bear with me. I just watched "Shadow" and I have to say I am so amazed. The acting was phenomenal, bravo to Eric McCormack and the entire crew. So...onward to the fic, I suppose!**_

__"Look at me! It's Max! It's Max Lewicki, Doc!"

"How did you..." Daniel marveled at how the security guard who he'd been struggling against turned into his assistant.

"I've got you, Doc. You're going to be just fine." Daniel stared at Lewicki with wide, fearful eyes, his hands grasping the top of the other man's arms tightly. He took a moment and swallowed down protests before he allowed himself to see that it truly was Max standing in front of him. He collapsed into Lewicki's arms, hugging him tightly, his breath coming in short gasp. "You're going to be okay." Lewicki continued, patting his back gently.

"How did I get here?" He questioned, his eyes searching the room.

"What do you mean, Doc? You're home..." Lewicki quirked an eyebrow at him.

"But...but I was just downtown. Just a few minutes ago. What happened?! How'd I get here?!" He barked, his eyes wild. "Answer me!"

"I don't know, Doc, I just got home." Max replied. Daniel was startled to hear the door swinging open and he turned to find Kate stepping into his house and surveying it as if it were a bio-hazard zone. He felt his muscles relax slightly at the sight of her.

He moved quickly across the room and wrapped her in a tight hug. She seemed startled, but wrapped her arms around him as well. The warmth of her body pressed against his was enough to put every question that he had at ease.

"Kate, oh God, I was so worried. Why didn't you meet me in Millennium Park?" Kate pulled away and stared at him curiously, her mouth hanging open in shock.

"Millennium Park?"

"Yes, you said to meet you there, but you weren't there, so I went into the building to find you. I know you said not to, b-but...they must have drugged me! The next thing I knew I was here!"

"The last time I saw you was after I drove you home from the University after searching for Wesley's body. That was two days ago, do you remember that?" She spoke slowly as if he were five years old. He shook his head.

"But then you came back that afternoon! And you...you gave me this!" He raced into the living room and held up the sapphire DVD case. "Some college kid caught it on his cellphone! You know this, right?!" He squeaked, handing the DVD to Lewicki.

"Sure, Daniel, let's take a look." Kate replied, still eyeing him cautiously. He turned to the TV screen, but his heart dropped into his stomach when MRI photos of a brain flicked across the screen.

"What the hell is this.." He whispered.

"It's an MRI that you asked me to a DVD so that you can show it in class." Lewicki replied. Daniel stammered incoherently before Lewicki grabbed his elbow gently.

"Come on, Doc. Let's go get you washed up, Doc." He whispered and led him towards the stairs. Daniel looked at Kate with an expression of panic on his face.

"Go with Max, Daniel. I'll be right here." She gave him that sweet smile of hers and he moved up the stairs to the bathroom carefully, his mind still swimming. Lewicki opened the door and attempted to follow him in, but Daniel turned and stopped dead in his tracks, stopping Lewicki in turn.

"I'm not an invalid, Lewicki. I'm capable of washing myself. Give me a minute."

"I'd rather stay, Doc."

"I'm not going to hurt myself, if that's what you're worried about, so, please...get the hell out." He slammed the door in Lewicki's face and took a deep breath for the first time since he'd been shaken from the hallucination.

__What the hell had happened? How had he gotten back into his apartment? He stared at his own reflection in the mirror. Oh God...Kate...Kate had seen him like that. He had tried his damndest to make sure that she never saw his inner demons, but she had walked into the apartment and seen him collapsing into a psychotic breakdown.

His hands were shaking as he threw water on his face repeatedly, trying to shake the feeling of paranoia in the back of his brain that was telling him that the case was _real_. He knew that what he had experienced was real. Except that it wasn't. There was a wealth of evidence to the contrary, and he couldn't dispute that.

_"I should have started taking these weeks ago when I had the prescription filled. I convinced myself that I didn't need them."_

_ "It's too late to start this on your own. You need to go to a hospital." _

_"I do that, they're gonna put me on something a lot stronger than this."_

_ "Maybe that's what you need."_

Natalie's voice echoed in his head as he moved through his bedroom on autopilot, laying out clothing on his bed and changing with practiced precision. His body went through the mechanical functions of getting dressed, and stared at himself in the mirror over his dresser, surveying his attire. He flicked a piece of his hair off of his forehead carefully. He was on his way to the psych ward, after all, had to look fancy and impress the orderlies.

"Get it together, Daniel. Who are you trying to fool? The orderlies know you, they _know_ what is going through your mind. They aren't going to be worried about what you're wearing. Hell, they're going to slap a medical gown on you anyway. Let's just get moving before you get too deep into your own head and change your mind." Natalie scowled at him in the mirror over his shoulder, her arms crossed over her chest as she leaned against the wall near the doorframe.

"I know what checking myself in entails, Natalie, you don't have to remind me." He sighed, sinking onto the edge of his neatly made bed and dropping his head into his hands. A silent sob shook his shoulders as he ran his fingers through his messy brown hair. He felt a hand on his back and looked out the corner of his eye at Natalie. "What is she going to think of me now? I can't go down their and face her, Nat. Please, _please_ just go down and get rid of her?" He regretted the statement as soon as it left his lips.

"You know that I can't do that, Daniel. They can't see me. You need to get up, put on your big-boy-pants, and deal with this yourself. It's something that only _you_ can initiate." Daniel sighed and nodded, pushing himself off of the bed and moving down the stairs carefully. Lewicki and Kate were speaking in hushed tones in the living room when he descended the stairs. His eyes roamed over the state that his living room sat in and felt a sinking sensation in his stomach. The place was a mess, but it would make sense if he'd spent the entire weekend bumbling around in a schizophrenia induced delirium. He cleared his throat to catch their attention. He shifted uncomfortably when their gazes rested on him.

"Excuse me." He whispered, his voice hoarse and rough. "Can someone please give me a ride?" He whispered, his voice laden with guilt and shame. Kate's sympathetic gaze only served to intensify the feelings churning in his stomach. He moved to the coat rack, but his hand remained suspended in mid-air, half-way to putting on his jacket. His throat tightened and his eyes burned with unshed tears. He had been so worried about Kate, _so_ worried. But, then the find out that it was all some ridiculous hallucination? That was heartbreaking. That meant that the murder wasn't real, but, most of all, it meant that the kiss had never happened.

He banged his fist against the wall next to the coat rack with a soft, choked whimper before running his hands over his face. Kate's hand on his back shook him from his own mind and he turned to her. It was startling that she was so close to him, his jacket hanging loosely from her free hand. She held it out and assisted him with slipping his arms into the sleeves as if he were a small child. He stared at the ground between his feet, embarrassment creating a scarlet blanket of a blush up his neck and face.

They moved to the cruiser quickly, and Lewicki automatically slipped into the backseat, leaving Kate and Daniel standing outside the vehicle awkwardly. Kate had just begun to round the front of the car when Daniel mustered enough courage to speak.

"I'm so sorry, Kate." He whispered, his hand toying with the small emblem on the side of the car absently.

"For what?" Kate replied, moving back to his side and quirking an eyebrow at him. He looked at her as if she had two heads, confusion written on his face.

"For...this entire case. For sucking you into my demented hallucination." He paused and sucked in a pained, deep breath. "For allowing you to see me like this. I _never_ wanted you to have to see this side of my personality, Kate. I know what you must think of me now."

"I knew that this was a part of you, Daniel. I knew that this was always a possibility that this could happen, but I trust you enough that I don't let the possibility of it hold us back. And this could _never_ change the way that I see you. We'll get through this, Daniel. You're going to check in, and get better, then we'll be chasing down killers before you know it." She placed the small palm of her hand against the side of his face momentarily before pulling him into a tight hug.

"I wish that you didn't have to see me like this, but I'm so glad that you're here, Kate." He whispered into the soft tendrils of her hair, inhaling her scent deeply. They pulled apart and slid into their seats in the cruiser carefully, preparing themselves for the short drive to the hospital.

The neon sign of a red cross automatically had Daniel's heart pounding in his chest as they pulled up to the hospital and parked the car. He stared at the bright sign, with a sad tightness in his stomach. He walked across the parking lot slowly, Lewicki and Kate on either side of him. He knew how this worked. He walked up to the woman sitting at the admittance desk, told her his name and his diagnosis, and she took him back through the halls lined with uniformly designed rooms. He would sit in a stark white room, on his tiny, uncomfortable cot, and stare at the walls for months. He would take the medications that the orderlies in obscurely patterned scrubs brought him every day, and he would slowly allow his mind to slip off into a dimension that he couldn't control.

He waved off Kate and Lewicki as they tried to approach the desk with him. This was something that he needed to do for himself. He wasn't expecting Kate's fingers to lace with his as she gave his hand a reassuring squeeze. He stared at her, dumbfounded by the blatant display of affection, before his lips twitched upward in the faintest hint of a smile before he headed to the desk. The receptionist smiled so sweetly at him that he was pretty sure he was going to get a cavity.

"Can I help you?" She asked, her hands folded in front of her. He threw a final look over his shoulder at Max and Kate as they gave him encouraging, subtle nods.

"My name is Doctor Daniel Pierce. I have paranoid schizophrenia, and I need to be admitted."

_**So...thoughts? Drop me a review and let me know.**_

_** Much love,**_

_** J. Rook**_


End file.
